30 Oct, 2006
The problem with the ICU is they limit visiting hours. No, that’s not really a problem… but they allow one hour, then there’s a two hour break before the next scheduled hour. And it’s never certain you’re going to get to see your loved one.
I don’t stay all day waiting for my hour-at-a-time. Not that I don’t want to visit with my mom, but I’m not entirely sure she’s helped by me being there. I hold her hand, but I’m not good with the chit-chat. I was thinking that when she goes to a regular room, I can sit with her and read to her and be there when the docs come round (at least the later ones!). But for now, I’m stuck waiting for a phone call in the morning and seeing her for an hour or two during the day.
Mom’s off the ventilator, and has been since about 10:15 this morning. Everything was looking so positive this morning — off the ventilator, the arterial blood line taken out, no pokes except for the IV, she could hear and understand. She grinned at my jokes, and looked at me when the physical therapist asked “Where’s Orthoclase?” But she didn’t move her feet or her hands when the doctor asked her to, though I did see her grasping and moving her blanket yesterday. She doesn’t seem to be able to move her mouth into word forms, and my sister told me they may want to do a tracheotomy because Mom’s not coughing and she should be, possibly a result of the stroke.
Time will tell, I suppose. All I can do is wait, and sit with her when I’m allowed to, and love her. It’s just going to have to be enough.
28 Oct, 2006
Monday: Go to doctor with mom — she has a blood drawn, we drive three hours to our house.
Tuesday: 10am urgent call from the doctor’s office. Weird lab results — go to the hospital in Columbus, there’s a room.
Wednesday: Need to adjust medicines to drop blood pressure — kidneys showing signs of decreased function. Oops — too much cardizem.
Thursday: Now that’s out of her system, she’s just getting her meds adjusted, should be out of here in a couple of days.
Friday: call at 7:45am — your mom’s having difficulties verbalizing, and some weakness in the right side. Get to the hospital. She’s just about to get an angiogram to pinpoint/repair the clot. Mechanical removal? Not as effective as drugs and difficult to do well. Chemical removal? Risky, since she was given heparin for a suspect EKG, but it’s been a few hours so it should be out of her system. After the (chemical) procedure, she’s in ICU. Ventilator ’cause they’re not sure her brain will make her throat work properly, and she’s been short of breath and so might have a pulmonary embolism. We won’t know what’s affected for several days at least.
Saturday: Short visit… waiting, waiting. She’s able to move her right arm and leg now, and her eyes track together (which she wasn’t doing yesterday). But she doesn’t seem to hear/pay attention to people talking to her. She looks scared. And so so small.
28 Oct, 2006
I feel like I’m in one of those novels where the author asks herself “What’s the worst possible thing that can happen at this point?” and then writes it in.
17 Oct, 2006
Starting about a decade ago, my none-too-steady self-confidence and self-esteem started getting hard buffeting from my job. The pounding kept getting stronger until about a half-dozen years ago I quit. At the time, I thought I was going to more exciting and new opportunities, I was getting my MBA, starting a business…. What I really was doing was running away in pursuit of my self-confidence.
But I haven’t found it yet. If you find it, see if my self-esteem is there too, okay? I kinda miss them, even if they are a little weak.
13 Oct, 2006
“Orthoclase, where’s that thing I told you two weeks ago that I was going to eat for lunch the next day?”
“In the trash. I threw it away yesterday. It was green.”
