Nothing funny about feldspar

I was going to hide this post in amongst others related to the “seven deadly sins” or perhaps some more light-hearted ones. But it is the death of the year, and I’m feeling sad. If you are not, then don’t read on, please. Enjoy your new year. May it be brighter and better than any other.

Winter is a hard season for the old and infirm. Several deaths of people who are dear to people I “know” online have been reported recently. But while I respect their grieving, and offer my condolences, I’m left feeling envious. And that shames me.

I am ashamed to think that they’re lucky, that their loved ones have not lingered or been in long-term pain, that while the death was unexpected, tragic, it’s done now and they can get on with their living.

I have long since said my goodbyes. I have long since stopped second-guessing myself about treatments done and not done. But I haven’t stopped waiting for the final moment when my father’s ghost coalesces into true spirit, and stops inhabiting his breathing carcass.

And until that moment, I’ll be just as not-dead as he is.